Are these the last days?

I had a visit with my personal physician yesterday. Lab work done Tuesday. Blood work is essentially positive. My cholesterol readings are good in line with 80 mg of Lipitor and 10 mg of zetia every day. Potassium is a bit high, but that result from 14 hours of fasting.

Toward the end of the visit the doc asked about living will, etc. He has a national form known as Comfort One. Agreement with this means that nothing extraordinary will be done if I have a heart attack including loss of function. Betty and I had signed living wills years ago indicating pretty much the same. These directives allow some intervention, but essentially express a Do Not Resuscitate option. I'm sure that this was operative in ICU when Betty contracted sepsis accompanying leukemia in Dec. 2005. Things were done to make her comfortable, and many of us were there when the heart gave its last beat.

I also got a form to apply for a handicap sticker. This will make it easier to find a parking place at stores like Costco, Wal Mart, etc. At time I've had to park a long way from the entrances. I'm sure it will be a big help when I want to attend an event at The Metra - Billings' sports and Fair venue.

As Dr.Gerstner said, this isn't to imply that something will happen soon, and I'll see you in six months.

The Investment World

Many years ago Betty and I decided that we should begin to think about retirement, possible widowhood, etc. From the time I was employed at Rocky (1961-1994) 5% of income was contributed to TIAA/CREF. This was matched by the College. In the early years the majority was contributed to the College Retirement Equities Fund. So most of the time I was investing at low market prices. After our children graduated from College we were able to invest in some Mutual Funds. We went with a guy who was selling for American Funds and put IRA money there. He decided to leave that job, so we transferred our funds to Edward Jones with a former student at Rocky who I knew well. Betty's IRA went in one fund and mine in another, and we were able to buy into three other funds. After I had retired we decided that we should establish a Family Trust and name our youngest and oldest sons as successor Trustees. The Funds, house, cars, and everything else in in the Trust. At one point we agreed to transfer one of the Funds to the Scholarship Endowment Fund at Rocky Mountain College. Later I increased this gift and it stands as an Annuity which will go to the College at my death.

At Retirement I made a decision to take my funds from TIAA/CREF as 2/3rds from the Annuity portion with a 15 year guarantee. It will pay for life, but the 15 years since retirement are nearly up - 8/1994 to 8/2009. The 1/3rd from Equities changes the amount deposited once a year with the May payment. My income from this investment will decrease 55% from the previous month. Fortunately Social Security and TIAA are both up over last year. And, while the Mutual Funds have lost big time they have shown some growth the past few weeks, and I have not had to cash them in at all except for the required IRA distribution last year. That has been cancelled as a requirement for 2009. It looks as if I'll survive another year, at least financially.

States I've lived in

Following is a list of U.S. States in which I have lived for at least a few months if not years. I grew up in Huntington, WV and left there after 26 years. During these years I was stationed 3-4 months each in North Carolina, Colorado, and California. I also attended Summer School in Cincinnati, OH. In the Summer of 1947 I lived and worked in Hartford, Conn. I left WV to attend Penn State June 1950-August 1951. Then it was Davenport, IA for 4 years, Seminary in Massachusetts for 4 years; Pastorate in New Jersey for 18 months, and now in Montana since August 1961. So that is: WV, NC, CO, CA, OH, CT, PA, IA, MA, NJ, MT. Eleven out of fifty and no desire to add to the list. In fact Montana has been a blessing in terms of the education of our children, climate, health care, and long term friendships. I certainly don't miss "country roads" or the "Rocky Mountain High." An allergy plus humidity was very much a health problem in the Ohio and Mississippi River valleys. The so-called "banana belt" of Billings, MT has been almost ideal. How was I to know when in Junior High school my music teacher taught us the Montana State Song that I would live her for nearly half a century. Iowa may be "best on every hand", but Montana "of all the States . . . is easily the best."

Life goes on -

Well, I'm not thinking of Resurrection on this Holy Saturday, but of my own continued living after heart surgery. And here is the other prayer I wrote after coming to. This in October 1980.

"One stops to think of what could be - a last farewell unknown, because the anticipation is just "so long' for now. Life means so much, that even in face of serious illness or surgery it is next to impossible to believe that every-thing will not turn out alright.

The calls and letters all assure me that this is so. Aunt Vivian, she of faith and great strength, Katy, Alice, Donna - these all assure me tat their prayers will be answered, and I am certain that they will.

But there is the other side and the answer may not be what we all so fervently hope. Yet I'm held by love. The concern of Ken, who calls from Minneapolis; of Jim, who promises a week-end visit; of Ann with her beautiful handmade card (What, in Ashland, MT, could be found which would be as meaningful?); of David and his Janet who share their Stephanie with me; of Will, with the quiet humor and growing faith; of Paul, rough hewn and strong who accepts life as it comes; and of Pete, busy, busy, busy, who knows what thoughts run deep within that heart and mind which are so obviously dedicated to God and to truth.

And so - farewell - to see you soon - this day - this place; but if not, then on the other side of tomorrow where God invites us all to be with Him and with each other in His glorious hereafter.

Amen

Heart History

I had coronary by-pass surgery in May or June 1973 in Denver, CO. This procedure was recommended again by my cardiologist in 1980. I was President of the Big Sky Area of American Baptists at that time so I scheduled the surgery for early October after the Annual Convention. Today, (4/9/09) I scheduled a time to participate in a Prayer Vigil at our Church so I took along a couple of books of prayer for use. A book of Prayers for the Christian Year published for the Church of Scotland and John Baillie's Diary of Private Prayer. It has been a while since I looked at either of these volumes. In one I found three prayers I had written at the time of the 2nd heart surgery - this time in Billings at what was then known as Deaconess Hospital, now Billings Clinic. Here is the prayer written 10-8-1980 at 5:30 a.m.

"Lord God, now in this hour of my need let me feel your presence. And as surgeons and nurses prepare for what they must do this morning be with them as well - for we are all in this thing together. Thanks for the sleep gotten through that little pill. Be with Betty, and all the children to "keep them loose", and bring us once again to joy in this your earth. Amen."

After it was over I wrote the following:

"Thank you, God, for the skill and dedication of all nurses and aides and those who perform the routine tasks of the hospital. It is through their hands that we are comforted as it is in your hands that we are kept. Help each of us, employee and patient alike, to know that healing is a God-function, and help us to do our part to aid that process and that hope. Amen

Musing

It's been a while since I posted more than a sentence or two and that on Facebook which is strikly limited to family members. It is great to be able to keep tabs on those children, grandchildren, nephew and nieces as well as a few grand nephews & nieces who have signed up on Facebook and joined me as friends. I keep getting suggestions from Facebook of people I might be interested in, but I've determined to keep my part "family." That runs into the 30"s.

Between Facebook and e-mail I sometimes wonder about my telephone. Sometimes there a days when it never rings. Other times the window tells me it's something I don't want to answer. Yet, I have unlimited minutes to call family spread out from the East to the West coasts. I'll post the address of this Blog on Facebook in case anybody wants to check it out.

2nd Amendment Rights

I just looked at CNN's web site. 15 people killed at a school in Germany. Every news program and U.S. paper has follow-up on the killings yesterday in Alabama. Billing's courts this past few weeks have had their share of gun shooters. There is an incredible amount of violence involving guns in our society. A Pastor is killed while conducting a service of Worship. BUT I must have the right to own a gun with no restrictions whatsoever. Maybe those who argue that the Constitution promises such rights to "a well regulated militia" have it right. At least it seems obvious to me that we need better control and harsher sentences in respect to the ownership and misuse of firearms.

Another Saturday

The annual Home and Garden Show is open this week-end in Billings. I determined to go and spend 2 or 3 hours just wandering around. I'm glad I renewed the supply of nitroglycerin in my carrier. Actually that would be one of the small bottles the stuff comes in. I've got a lot of them. The near=by parking was full w/ many cars circling to find a spot. I went to the top. For you strangers that involves 4-5 standard flights of stairs to get to the right building. When I got to the Pavilion I was lucky to find a chair just inside, sat, and popped a Nitro. 8-10 minutes I was ready to roll. Place was really crowded so I didn't have to walk very fast to keep up and see almost everything. Not much of true interest to a widowed home owner of over 40 years. I did stop at the Northwestern Electric booth for the usual pack of 4 CFL bulbs and a nice bag for the groceries. The grocery deducts 5-10 cents if you don't need their plastic. On the way back to the parking lot I took it a flight at a time and when I got in the car popped another Nitro, rested a bit and then came home. Actually the walking caused more feeling in my hips than in the heart or the bad knee.

When I got home I decided to watch one of my DVD's of the Celtic Woman. Saw them on public TV the other night and was reminded again of how lovely they are and what great singers. The DVD is I believe their first one. It has a booklet so I was able to finally identify them one by one. Chloe is a bit heavy set, but such a beautiful, rich and resonant soprano. Actually I am amazed at how rich their very soprano voices are. I told Pete the other day that they are almost like Castrati. On this particular disk Chloe's husband has a beautiful oboe solo. Priceless! I was a bit surprised to see that the gal, Orla, who plays the harp is also an important part of the Quartet.

Now, of course, I'll have to watch A New Journey sometime in the next week. Then maybe another look at "We Are Marshall". The tragic and triumphant story of the death of the football team in the early 70's. I had long since left the faculty of this my Alma Mater when that happened. Enough, already!!

Out of the past

The other day I noticed in the Billings, MT paper a brief obituary of a person who graduated from Marshall College (now University). This is my Alma Mater so, of course, I read it. Betty Frame . . . That name is familiar. I knew her, but how? I found my 1946 annual, the Chief Justice, and sure enough there was her picture as a member of the staff. I was Editor that year. I then looked further at the Senior pics and again there was the picture of a very attractive young lady. The obit said she was born in 1925 which would make here the same age as my late wife. Another lovely gal called Betty. I then looked in the Huntington, WV paper, but there was no notice of any kind. A day later the Charleston paper had a listing plus a picture. Betty Frame was still an attractive lady of 83. She had moved to Wyoming after her husband's death to be with family.

A further search of the Annual brought memories of the past of people I worked and studied with in the 1940's. And even a gal I had dated before meeting Betty Clarkson - my Harriet Elizabeth. I had forgotten, long since, the people who were in the Class of 1946. The other gal's name was Chlotene - the only person I ever knew with that name. And there was Rachel Nunley Meadows who has visited us in Billings several times in the last few years with her husband, Paul, who was also a high school classmate. Actually I went through school from the 1st grade with Rachel. She often played "sandlot" games with us - baseball, football, etc.

Market Blues

Or is it "Reds"? The Taylor Family Trust lost nearly $4000 in the market today. About the only statement I heard while watching CNBC today was by on unknown pundit who allowed that he was going to "stick it out". No trading, no selling, not buying. That's exactly where I'm coming from. The Market is still not as low as it was when I started investing in 1961. And, fortunately there is no need for that money right now. The TIAA/CREF pension plus Social Security is sufficient for family needs at this time. I do expect some drop in annual income come April when my CREF account will be reconfigured on the basis of the Market. I'm not losing any sleep.

Wet Saturday

Well, the day is bright and sunny, but the roads are wet from the snow melt. We had 4-6 inches of the stuff over night Thursday and it is melting. I got lucky on my shopping trip this afternoon - (dare I say "Wal Mart"). I needed to replace my spare box of cereal and they are the only store that has not raised the price the last few months. Plus I read an article yesterday about a local Hutterite Colony that sells its eggs to WM, and how carefully they screen them. I got a dozen. large for $1.45. The Shredded Wheat is $3.52. The point about the "wet Saturday" is how lucky I was. This trip is just over 3 miles each way. I got there and back and did not get my windshield sprayed with the wetness on most of the trip. Not that much other traffic, and a good choice of direction. I came home with a clean view.

More Heart Stuff

I was finishing up the dishes (with only my own most of the time they usually only get washed every other day or so). I looked up on the window sill above the sink and there were the 4-5 small bottles filled with glass marbles. Just another of the many "decoration" ploys Betty used. She was somehow fascinated with marbles - and small bottles. There are a number of those still around the house, most with a bowed ribbon around them. I've been playing around on the computer this evening so played again her solo, "How Great Thou Art" which I recorded back in 1972 when she was preparing with her Aunt Elsie to sing at the Ceredo Baptist Church. We had stopped to visit the Clarkson family there after a Taylor Family reunion at Blackwater Falls. There is not a day goes by I do not remember her, and the joy she brought to my life in over 56 years of marriage. And now, even the memories are filled with joy.

The President speaks

Obama has spoken. I can only hope that the people of the U.S. were listening. AND the people of the world.

Heart Stuff follow-up

I wrote recently that putting of valve replacement was not longer an option. Apparently it is. What follows is a note I sent to family and friends and their positive, loving responses. I am eternally grateful both to Dr. Millikan and for the reponses.

I had a thorough visit with Dr. Scott Millikan this afternoon about the matter of an Aortic Valve replacement. The Doctor was in no hurry, and he was completely upfront with my situation. After the catheterization he suggested a CT Scan. He told me that the scan revealed a whole lot more calcificationthan expected. He was very clear that I would no doubt survive surgery, but that the process might release some of the calcium which might very well go to the brain and I could possibly spend the rest of my life in a nursing home or ICU under long term care. He assured me more than once that he had never been the same chair I was then in, and that he didn't know what he would do. The decision was up to me. As long as I was getting along the outlook was the possibility of dropping dead. I suggested that if he could promise me that I would "buy it". After all, that is the way most of the males in the family have died. Quickly! Betty pretty much went the same way at the very end. I am, after all, 84. My Dad died at 59, Mother at 57, brothers Donald at 56, Bill at 50 and Norman at 61.

At this point in my life I am able to drive, move about the various stores I visit, and do most of the house work I need to do. Pete does the really hard stuff, but I still make it to the garbage can in the alley, and take cans, etc. to the recycling business. I make it up and down the basement stairs and do my own laundry. The nitro still works as needed. I will call my very honest surgeon later this week and thank him for seeing me and telling him that I've decided not to have the operation.

I want to thank all of you for your concern and prayers. And your continued love.

My love to you, Jim

Jim sent this. I suggest more prayers. Maybe someday, we can be as wise as he is. Gary Svee (friend)

Glad Dr. Millikan was up front and clear about the odds. Makes things easier when you have real options and solid information. I've been wondering off and on today what the outcome of your conversation with the good doctor would be.

Glad there has been some resolution, and that you have made a decision that you are comfortable with. Look forward to seeing you soon,

Ken (Son)

Dear Dad,

As the good doctor said, "I have never been in the chair you are in now." No one could make the decision but you and I'm betting on you living as long as you decide to live.

I guess I'll have to take some days off work in April to spend a long weekend with you and Pete since I won't be taking time off to stay with you during your "recovery."

Love always and always,
Annie

Good, the decision is made and it sounds like a well informed one. Now onward with the day to day and maybe an adventure now and then!
Love, Willie,Karyn,Caleb,Luke,Zackary (Son & family)

Wow, I just always see you as "hale and hardy". I haven't visited with you often enough.
I was unaware that you were doing the heart thing again, you always look so "good".

Will be thinking of you and praying for the best.
Marcia (friend)

James,
   You are loved.  Difficult news, but you have made a choice that seems infinitely reasonable.  You have too much vitality to kick off soon--my prayers are with you and that you are making the choice that God has in mind for you.
   Love, Linaya (friend)

My dear Unc,
Your decision makes good sense to me and it is refreshing to hear of a doctor who pays attention to the bigger picture. Thanks for sharing the news. I won't kid you... the knowledge that you are popping nitro for the slightest of exertion gives me pause, but the thought of you suffering brain damage from the surgery does not do much for me either! When the risks of the cure outweigh the negatives of the cause I think it smart to reject the cure. While probably not your primary objective, you are an example ofthoughtful healthcare decision-making... may I be so wise. May God bless you all your days! Phil (Nephew)

I guess there is no reason to "Tempt Fate" by doing an operation that may or may not have the best outcome. Hopefully with meds they can keep you aroundat least as long as your sister! ;) Things are going pretty good here. As you read on facebook, we are looking at houses in the area. There is a very nice place that is pretty close to work that would be perfect. It is a short sale so we could possibly get it for a very nice price. Plus it has a hot tub.

We will keep you informed and hopefully by the next time you come out we will have a room and bed for you to sleep on instead of the couch! Paul (Son)

Dear Uncle Jim,

I pray that as I "grow up" God will bless me with the same wisdom and discernment He has you. 

Thank you for sharing the news of this decision with me and Phil.  You are very special to both of us and we continue to be grateful that you are a part of our lives.

With much love,  Trudy (niece)
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
In the great sorrows only God can console us. For this, the best thing is prayer and not so much words of consolation. ~Archimandrite Epiphanios Theodoropoulos  +1989~

Dear Jim,

I think you made a wise choice. I was told the same thing that I had heavy duty calcium build up. My cardiologist said that if I stroked I'd wish I had died. My surgeon used a mesh net of some sort that he had patented. While on pump it caught several large pieces of plaque, any of which would have killed me. Fortunately I came out of it very well and they both referred to me as the miracle woman! It's all a crap shoot! In my side of the family we all drop quickly and permanently and guess that's the way He will handle it.

As long as you have Pete and nitro you'll do just fine! Thanks for the up-date..................Love, Rachel (Cousin)

A just and good decision by two wise men. peace Greg (nephew, MD)

Glad to hear you are doing well. I guess if it's not broke too badly why take the risk.................Dennis T. (Nephew)

My dad forwarded your message about your visit with your surgeon. I have been thinking about this for quite a long time, and wondering which way you would decide to go with this. I also think about the decision my dad may have to make eventually. I very much appreciate that your doctor took so much time in discussing the options and possible outcomes of the surgery. Too many doctors these days are in a big hurry to gloss things over, and notreally tell address the very real concerns of their patients, and hurry them out the door so they can get onto the next one. This is a really big deal for anyone, and to know what the ramifications of the surgery might be is so important. I support your decision to just live the rest of your life. Sometimes, the consequences of the surgery can be so much worse than just taking whatever is to come. And, as you mentioned, you have outlived the rest of the males in your family by a long shot. I believe just the recovery process, even with a "good" outcome, would be arduous, for a surgery like this, at this point in your life. When we spoke of such things a couple of months ago, we felt that you had no fear of dying, eventually (not that you would embrace it any sooner than is your "time."). We are not made to last forever, at least not in this life. We dread the thought of losing our loved ones, and making our lives without them. But it is something we must all face at some point. You have made this decision with a good accumulation of information, not lightly. You have a lot more time, I believe. I love youLisa (Niece)

What to say.
Of course, this is not what we wanted to hear. We were hoping that your surgeon would say that "you have a good chance of surviving the surgery, and if you do survive your life certainly will be much better." It is, as Dr. Milliken said, hard to say what choice one would personally make in the face of these various opportunities and risks, but I have to say that this one you are now expressing is the one that surprises me the least, given the things you have said for decades. You have always expressed a preference for suddenly "dropping dead," rather than lingering in infirmity. As you said, you get around reasonably well, can live reasonably independently with Pete there to help some, and we all enjoy seeing you when we get together, so life is good, yes?And we are here for you, too, if we can help. Mark (Nephew)

Hi there:
I talked to Pete today and heard you and the Dr decided not to do the surgery... selfishly I am glad, I would have been a worried mess. Robin (friend)

I think you are very wise. With a Father who died at 28 and a Mother who died at 59 and an only sibling who died at 44, I can relate to much of what you are saying. Every day we are living is all each of us can count on and it would do us good to remember that. The continued love and prayer goes without saying. You are dear to me. Cindy (frend)

Jim, this is the first I've known about the concerns that must have been greatly weighing on your mind in weeks past. My thoughts and prayers support you as those of a friend should under such circumstances. Your decision strikes me as the one that both my wife and I would make were wethe ones now faced with such a personal test. It is not so much a worry about the fact that life will eventually end for each of us, but how confrontation with its reality will occur and what the risks are that it might not be swift and final. Those of us who reach the ages with which we have been favored have had opportunities that long and relatively healthy lives made possible and we have been blessed. We can only continue to enjoy the pleasures and satisfactions of each day as we are able, and to be grateful for each minute of each day. Your travels will be shared by all of us and we will each do what we can to make the trip of each day as beneficial to the spirit of our band of pilgrims as is possible. I am proud to be in this procession of life with you, and should I be left to continue my travels after you have left the caravan, I will still think of you and the interesting times and the laughs we have shared until my travels separate me from the ongoing caravan. With best wishes for the days to come and great appreciation for your companionship and friendship on travels to this time! Obert (friend)

Jim,
Not having been in your shoes I cannot say which route I would go either. I am glad the doctor was so up front with you and that you were able to make your decision with full knowledge of all the facts. And really, God assigns our times as He sees fit. I hope it continues for you for many more years. Charles (Nephew)

Comic speaks timeless truth

In today's strip of Funky Winkerbean a girl in the car with her Dad asks a profound question: "Dad...do you still miss Mom?" The father replies with a more profound answer: "There hasn't been a day, but after a while, you begin to understand . . . that you can't let your grief become the substitute for the one you love." (You can see the strip in full color if you Google "Funky Winkerbean' and look at the Seattle newspaper.) A friend in our Church once told me many years after his wife had died that he still missed her. Jake did the video of our 50th wedding anniversary service at First Baptist when David delivered the Sermon and all the rest had some role in the Service. He, too, has passed to the great beyond. I, of course, understand what he meant when he said that he "still missed her." And I have a real appreciation of the philosophy in Funky Winkerbean. And I miss son, Jimmy, as well. Jimmy's "twin", David, (they were both born Feb. 10th - two years apart) was in the Hospital in Texas over the week-end. Thank God he has been discharged and is apparently in good health. "Mom's" family in West Virginia are under some pretty bad weather conditions. I talked with my Sister-in-Law and they are doing o.k. and while there has been a lot of snow and ice they have not been without power. I was glad to learn that after seeing the Huntington, WV paper the last few days.

Incidentally, I first said "comic strip" above, but "comic" doesn't always "cut it" in regard to such.

Friend dies

This morning's paper carried the obit of a long time friend and sometime collegue. Hall Diteman was a consummate artist and play director. He was largely responsible for the Billings Studio Theatre building which is on the Rocky Mountain College campus. Years before that building we did plays on the stage at Rocky and then at an abandoned Church near downtown Billings. I remember one play in which I was cast, and the Director chickened out. Hall took over mid-rehearsal. After 2 or 3 nights he asked me to shave my beard, It didn't look right to him. I dropped out. It wasn't that great a play or part. Later when another Director asked me to shave I did it gladly. That was for a major role in The Crucible. After all I'd lived through the McCarthy era.

When the new Theatre was to open I enjoined Hall to let me have at least a walk-on in this historic opening. I was often on the road recruiting for the College and could not be at regular rehearsals. The play was Man of LaMancha. I was cast as the soldier who brought the prisoner down the steps to his cell, and at the end of the play came back down and escorted him out. It wasn't much, but to me it was historic, and I have always been grateful to Hall for his thoughtfulness in this situation. I had better parts in many plays, but this memory will always be with me. May he rest in peace.

Update to health

This past week I had my third heart catheterization in the past three years. In Sept. 2006 I had a couple of stents put in an artery after feeling some discomfort and going to the ER at Billings Clinic after a 911 call. Later in 2007 I explored the idea of having a knee repaired since it is bone on bone many years after a pedestrian accident. The cardiologist suggested after the job that probabilities for survival were minimal at this time. I've had by-pass surgery twice - in 1972 and 1980. In recent time there has been angina following minimal activity. I suggested to my Cardiologist that it might be due to stenosis in the aortic valve which had been detected earlier through an echo exam. She had a thorough exam done in January 2008 and strongly suggested a valve replacement. I talked with the surgeon and decided to wait. Waiting is no longer an option. I called the Surgeon's office early this month and was told that I would need to see my regular Cardiologist before seeing him. I made that appointment and was set up for the Catheterization this past Tuesday. I then checked with the surgeon and they set up a conference with other medical personnel yesterday. The decision at that time was to have a CP X-Ray to determine the size of my aortic valve. I will then talk with Dr. Milliken about setting a date for the operation. He is rated as one of the best. It was also discovered that one of the arteries previously by-passed needs further repair. I'm assuming the mammary artery is available for the job. I was well taken care of by the people at the Clinic and have reduced anxiety about further procedures.

One of the most interesting things about Dr. Stephan Milliken is that he plays in band composed mostly of other doctors in town plus an Art Professor from Rocky Mountain College. The band is known as The Mid-Life Chryslers. They play mostly at charity functions and for their own enjoyment.

Love knows no end

As Pete and I were watching 60 Minutes this evening after a very good supper he had prepared we somehow got to talking about our life as Father and Son and something of what brought him back home. A friend he shared a house with was married and divorced and their daughter's mother didn't want their little girl visiting a "bachelor pad." The house they owned was put on the market so Pete moved back here since I was getting older and was living alone. I suspect his sibs encouraged him. He indicdated as much in commenting that they were more at ease knowing that I was no longer alone. And, as a matter of fact, I am myself more at ease knowing that he is here and can take care of the "big" jobs like snow shoveling grass cutting, gardening, etc. I still get to take the garbage out once in a while. It is all good because of my history of heart attacks and by-pass surgery.

Someplace recently I mentioned what my dear wife said to me in the recovery room after my 2nd by-pass surgery. I can re-member her coming in as I regained consciousness. It was very emotional as I had just gone through some deeply held thoughts about God's continuing care of me over the years. I had a tube in my throat so could not talk, but somehow got a pencil and wrote "I love you" and gave it to her. It was mutual, and then she said something to the effedt of "Don't you ever put me through this again." I remembered those words as we were gathered as a family in ICU as her own heart beat its last and she was gone from us.

Perte told me something tonight that I had never known, and it casts some light on the "Don't ever do this to me again" statement. He said he came home one night and the house was dark and he heard sobbing from the basement. His first thought was that I had died, but immediatly knew that if that were true he would have already gotten the news. It was his mother crying, I suspect from relief that I had survived. Pete held her, he said, as she "held me when I was a kid and had stubbed my toe or something." Love does not fail. And I love her still. As I told my brother-in-law the other day: I often still "kiss" her before I get out of bed in the morning. She is lying there half-awake and waiting. It is truly amazing how the air kisses back.

Lights, camera . . .

The "action" was yesterday. I was washing up dishes from the last 2-3 meals at the kitchen sink. Just above the sink is a window looking out over our backyard. At this time the yard is coverd with several inches of snow. Since the yard if fairly well protected the snow is still white. By mid-afternoon the sun lights the place up. It's a lovely sight. One I've admired for years. When Spring comes the apple tree will be in full bloom - also white. Well after over 40 years of this view I was not ready for yesterday's experience. The sun was bright, and I looked out on the snow for a bit to long. When I turned away there were flashing lights everywhere I looked. I got a brief experience of what it must be to go "snow blind". Fortunately, after a few minutes things began to clear up and I could see again. As long as I have lived this was an absolutely new experience. I suspect it has something to do with age and who knows what. I'll be seeing my Otician before long and we'll discuss this matter. The last time I saw him just over a year ago he prescribed some liquid to be dropped in the eye every night. There was some indication of possible glaucoma. So far, so good. But yesterday's experience has taught me not to look for long at a sun lit snow field.

Year's End

It has been a quiet few weeks. There was the large family gathering Thanksgiving Day with three of the progeny plus Jimmy's widow with Natalie and her mother. There was an additional 4 grandchildren plus a spouse and a great granddaughter and her Grandmother. There was brother John's family with Jean plus Mark and Rosanna and Ambrose. That plus Pete and myself. The NoDaks were here the next morning for breakfast.

For Christmas I was pretty much on my own. Pete and I had straightened up the house in case anyone came by. He worked his job Christmas Eve and I watched TV. Ann & Bill hoped to come in last week-end, but the snow got in the way. They did come over today to meet with son, Andrew, and take him home with them for the week-end. They hope to be back Sunday so that Andrew can get back to Bozeman for his job. They also bought presents to brighten the old man's life. I took them all out for lunch to celebrate Ann's and Bill's 29th wedding anniversary which is Saturday the 3rd.

New Year's Eve I did get over to the brother's house for a couple of hours. Last night I looked at my February 2006 Blogs. That's when this all started. My first entry mention that visit in 2005 just after Betty died, and my unease at the midnight hour at not having her there to kiss, and to wish a Happy New Year. It has been 4 New Years since, and I still miss her deeply.

So much for tonight's musing.